Information on the signs of sexual grooming as teens move into greater independence
trigger warning: coercion & sexual assault
Nuance and Heartbreak
Our students need and deserve safe adults in their lives. Teachers, coaches, & staff can be invaluable supporters and champions in the lives of kids and teens. At the same time, we must stay aware of teens’ vulnerability and maintain connection with them.
What is grooming?
The deliberate act of building trust with a child, teen, or at-risk adult (such as an adult with a cognitive impairment) for the purpose of exploiting them sexually. Some adolescents report that the grooming process felt like falling in love.
We are terrible at spotting the signs of grooming
Often after someone who has caused harm is identified, there is understandable public outrage asking why the behavior was not identified sooner. Research confirms that MOST people are not able to recognize it happening, and education around the signs of grooming is needed.
Timeline of grooming
Grooming is a process, not a one-time event. It’s done over many weeks, months, or years, and typically extends to the teen’s family and community.
Those who seek to harm use grooming to create their “ideal conditions” for perpetrating sexual abuse, including building trust with anyone who might interfere with their intended crimes.
6 stages of grooming
1) Identifying a target
Those who seek to harm often look for possible ‘candidates’ and select them based on ease of access to them or their perceived vulnerability.
Those who are unpopular, have family problems, who spend a lot of time alone or unsupervised, who lack confidence and self-esteem, have physical or intellectual disabilities, or are already abuse survivors, tend to be targeted.
2) Gain access
Separate their target emotionally and physically from their guardians. They may lure them with what looks like friendship, affection, or even romantic love.
This stage may be easier for those targeting teens as they are more independent and can go places with significantly less parental oversight.
3) Establish trust
Accomplished by befriending the teen, learning about their interests, being helpful, showering them with gifts and attention, or sharing secrets.
Those who seek to harm may get to know friends and family – presenting themselves as charming. This way the teen may be met with disbelief or derision if they express their concerns.
4) Desensitization
This is often the final state before physical/sexual abuse. It can include excessive or unnecessary touching; disregarding privacy; making sexual jokes; facilitating “accidental” exposures to sexual content. Private communication like texting or DMs can facilitate this.
5) The end goal: abuse
At this stage, the physical or sexual abuse itself begins. This can cause overwhelming confusion for the teen. Sometimes they may persuade themselves that the abuse is entirely normal, even desirable for the “benefits” it brings, with the price only apparent later.
6) Maintaining control
Those who have harmed often play on the guilt and shame experienced by the teen. Because they were groomed, children and teens often feel that they were in some way responsible for the abuse. THEY ARE NOT.
What to do if you see grooming behavior
Keep a record of grooming behaviors with dates, names, and clear descriptions.
Report—Don’t Investigate. Do not directly confront a suspected abuser if you feel unsafe.
Get support from organizations like RAINN.org.
While grooming itself may not rise to the level of criminality, if an adult’s behavior strikes you as overly familiar, inappropriately intimate, or unreasonably involved with
a child, teen, or at-risk adult, TRUST YOUR INTUITION.
Damage from grooming
Grooming behaviors may not appear harmful from the outside. The damage which is very real and often lasting is caused through:
– Long-term manipulation
– Eventual sexual abuse or assault
– The teen’s realization that they were exploited by someone they trusted.
Education & awareness are the keys
There are AMAZING dedicated educators and adult mentors of all genders that are equally horrified by child and teen predation. It takes awareness and accountability at all levels of our communities. Please reach out for further support.
Sources:
– RAINN Foundation
– Skills for Health, UK
– Psychology Today
– Winters, G. M., & Jeglic, E. L. (2016)
