Tag: Parenting

Who’s Messing the Nest? A Trying Time Before Our Teens Leave Home

TL;DR… Parent stress is a real factor in our teen’s stress. Read more for what to do 🙂

Much of the conversation about “messing the nest” centers on a child’s developmental work to individuate and leave home; that these young adults have an instinct to make their home life less comfortable (arguing, irritability, pushback) to make moving out easier. This makes a lot of sense! They are facing a huge and often frightening step. But I think this phenomenon is missing a vital component: the role of parental stress.

The first time I heard the phrase “messing the nest” it was the more colorful version. One of my closest friends had her first child a few years before I had mine. As her daughter’s high school graduation approached, she shared, “This is such a hard time. She’s sh*tting the nest, picking fights with us, not listening, and is constantly annoyed!” My dear friend was at her wit’s end, wanting to share sentimental, loving moments before her daughter left for college, but was confronted with the opposite. She was understandably heartbroken and confused.

Parents are going through their own developmental changes.

Parents are going through their own developmental changes. This can bring a feeling of deep uncertainty. Our relationship to our child is changing, we now have an adult child. Our role in their life, and in the world at large, has seismically shifted. Who will we be when we one day have an empty nest? What will that feel like? These are huge identity questions. To put the icing on top, the timing of perimenopause often overlaps perfectly with this phase for those of use with uteruses, which adds a whole rollercoaster of it’s own.

There also are the unspoken thoughts of how our kids’ choices reflect on us, and questioning if we made the right parenting choices along way. And, conversely, an opportunity to let it sink in that you’ve raised a human to adulthood, such a wondrous thing, really.

Now that I am in the midst of launching my own first kid, I am experiencing firsthand this pinnacle-like moment in parenthood with all its intensity. I’ve been feeling a whole spectrum of emotions this past year (excitement, fear, pride, frustration, anger, envy, hope, impatience, grief) while I watch the steady ticking down of my time with him under the same roof. From infancy, I could control many aspects of my son’s life (food, clothes, schedule, name). It’s now imperative I let him take the reins and to experience more “learning moments” along the way.

The anxiety I am currently carrying is uncomfortable. I know his to-do list by heart; I recite it silently to myself whenever he’s nearby. I also know my son feels my anxiety, and I’m betting he doesn’t need nor want any additional stress in his life (who does?). This feels like a monumental balancing act as a parent: helping him complete his senior year and transition to independent living in one safe, healthy piece.

I approach parenting from the perspective of a fumbling, “good enough” parent and as a couple and family therapist. Relational therapy is steeped in systems theory: the idea that a system (a family, a relationship) cannot be understood merely by breaking it down into its individual parts. This concept was developed first by a biologist and a mathematician over 100 years ago. Systems theory explains why you don’t blame a tomato plant for not thriving; you look at its soil, sun exposure, hydration, its general environment, then make adjustments.

I am witnessing in real time my anxiety affecting the experience of my high school senior. We exist in a system, connected with each other, my husband, our younger son, our cats, grandparents, extended family, and larger systems of neighbors, school, the economy, local and world politics, social injustice, health, weather, and on and on. These larger systems often add to our anxiety, profiting from our fears by selling us solutions that guarantee a better life.

Thinking in a “systems” way helps me remember what is happening within me influences everyone around me. What if, while our kids are feeling out their independence, it is also true that the “messing the nest” behaviors we see are influenced equally, if not more, by parental stress? Then what do we do? Well, the good news is, this means we have influence in improving the situation.

Let’s take care of ourselves as parents and as a community so we can be a soft landing place when our kids need support.

When we look at what we are bringing into a system, we can find ways to create the change we hope for (you know, be the change!). It’s true that we cannot change others, only ourselves, but systems theory teaches us that any change we make will interrupt the familiar patterns.

Here are some tips to consider:

Recognize what’s happening for you

Pause and think about the many ups and downs you have experienced during this process. What emotions can you name? What memories are bubbling up? These are all valid, and simply by identifying them, you lessen their intensity.

Own your feelings

Acknowledge your feelings to those around you. Share them with your graduating kid, your partner, maybe also your other children. Consider being curious and open to the ways your emotions may be impacting them (this is challenging, take lots of deep breaths and breaks). This is excellent modeling!

Practice compassion

You are all on a bumpy path. Give yourself compassion for the work you have put into raising this young adult, and extend compassion to them as they find their feet in adulthood. Be sure to celebrate what is going well, and savor any moments of connection.

Focus on the relationship

You cannot take these next steps for them, but by prioritizing the relationship with your kid, they will see you as a resource, not an adversary. There will be hard times; let’s take care of ourselves as parents and as a community so we can be a soft landing place when our kids need support.

_{Paulette Denman is a couple and family therapist associate practicing in-person on Mercer Island and virtually throughout Washington state. She is the mom of two teen boys, married to an indie game developer, and a former graphic designer. Learn more at magpie-therapy.com}

May 31, 2026
Raising Teens: Finding Balance and Connection
^{By Paulette Denman, LMFTA
Originally published in Mercer Island City Lifestyle, January 2026}

I’ve been a parent on Mercer Island for almost 18 years. Our community thrives because of the deep commitment so many families have to raising supported, successful kids. When my boys were little, many sweet, well-intentioned people warned me about the dreaded teenage years. As I struggled to get a squirming toddler into their car seat, they’d say “Just wait until they’re teens, that’s when it gets really hard!”. I would smile and nod, but something in me resisted the idea that adolescence was to be feared.

Parenting teens is not exactly harder, but it is more complex. The risks feel bigger, the choices more permanent, and the letting go can be experienced as grief. This is a stage where I’ve doubted myself and worried, but also watched my boys come into themselves in ways I never could have predicted. It’s amazing to witness.

See my 5 Quick Tips below

Understanding the Adolescent Brain

When our kids went back to post-shutdown, in-person learning, I chose to get a master’s degree to become a therapist. This was a lifelong dream, and incredibly, the stars aligned to make it happen. I entered grad school wanting to work with teens and their families. I viewed adolescence as a crucial turning point in our lives, when a little extra support can make a big impact.

Studying human development and brain research enriched my understanding of what happens during this stage. The adolescent brain goes through a major transformation. In childhood, the brain focuses on absorbing information. Adolescence sparks a process of refinement. Teens take the knowledge and experiences gathered throughout childhood and begin shaping who they want to become. It has often been described as a kind of pruning, letting go of branches that are no longer serving them and redirecting energy to what matters most. This pruning is not a malfunction; it is a sign of growth.

This massive neurological task can leave teens exhausted and unsure of themselves. Anyone who is feeling depleted is more prone to emotional or behavioral swings. Compassion and patience from the adults in their lives can soften this process, helping teens feel understood rather than overwhelmed.

All Behavior Makes Sense

The teenage years present us with new, almost existential challenges. A transfer of responsibilities is happening, and the steps taken during the high school years can feel enormously consequential. As parents, when we are stressed, we often return to familiar approaches. We might double down on rules, invent new guidelines, or step back entirely. When teenage behavior feels confusing or even frightening, rigidity or surrender can feel like the only options. Yet the truth is, all behavior makes sense in context.

I learned this early on when our youngest, at almost three years old, put about 14 different household substances into our bathroom sink. Ketchup, cotton balls, toothpaste, dish soap, and more. He simply wanted to know what would happen. That moment taught me something I now share with every parent. Behavior is communication, often revealing a need.

When we can pause and get curious about our teens’ experience, we open a door to connection. In a calm moment, asking open-ended questions that seek more than a yes-or-no response might let us in so we can better understand what is happening beneath the surface. From there, we can work alongside our teens, support them more intentionally, build trust, and offer skills they need for adulthood.

Collaboration Over Control

Dr. Ross Greene, founder of Collaborative and Proactive Solutions, states firmly, “Kids do well if they can. If they can’t, we need to figure out what’s getting in their way.” In this model of therapy, collaboration between youth and caregivers is essential, and often appreciated by teens. The process begins by identifying a problem and exploring the underlying issues, such as executive functioning challenges, difficulties with peers or a particular class. Next, we seek to understand the child’s experience and the expectations that feel mismatched or overwhelming, offering sincere empathy.

Once understanding is in place, we turn to the adults’ concerns and the reasons a particular expectation matters. Working collaboratively, we brainstorm and apply possible solutions. This approach supports the whole family and can bring hope in a time when everyone feels maxed out. Collaboration does not eliminate limits. Instead, it reframes them as shared agreements that respect both the teen and the adults, shifting the energy from conflict to partnership.

Connection is the Foundation

Raising teens is not simple. It can leave us exhausted with worry, unsure of where to turn. Seeking support shows courage and care. Our city has many resources, including school counselors through Mercer Island Youth and Family Services and therapists like me. With most of my teen clients, what they benefit from the most is feeling heard, believed, and celebrated for who they are.

We are mirrors for our children. They look to us to see themselves. Let’s reflect their worth, their strengths, and our belief that they can handle what life brings. When we stay curious and compassionate, the teen years can become some of the most meaningful years we share with them.
5 Quick Tips:

Listen more, talk less. Teens can teach us a lot if we allow them to.

Show interest in their interests. Discoverwhy they love what they love.

Keep limits in place. Kind, consistent limits support safety and room to learn from mistakes.

It takes a village. If you don’t have a support system, consider finding or building one.

Play! Let them choose the activity and give your undivided attention.

Bonus Tip: Repair. Apologizing and taking accountability is one of the strongest ways to reconnect. It models maturity, respect, and love.
Teen + Family Therapy

_{Paulette Denman is a licensed marriage and family therapist associate. Her private practice, Magpie Therapy, is on the north end of Mercer Island, supporting clients both virtually and in-person. To connect, please visit magpie-therapy.com.}
January 16, 2026
Teen & Adult Relationships: Signs of Grooming

Information on the signs of sexual grooming as teens move into greater independence

trigger warning: coercion & sexual assault

Nuance and Heartbreak

Our students need and deserve safe adults in their lives. Teachers, coaches, & staff can be invaluable supporters and champions in the lives of kids and teens. At the same time, we must stay aware of teens’ vulnerability and maintain connection with them.

What is grooming?

The deliberate act of building trust with a child, teen, or at-risk adult (such as an adult with a cognitive impairment) for the purpose of exploiting them sexually. Some adolescents report that the grooming process felt like falling in love.

We are terrible at spotting the signs of grooming

Often after someone who has caused harm is identified, there is understandable public outrage asking why the behavior was not identified sooner. Research confirms that MOST people are not able to recognize it happening, and education around the signs of grooming is needed.

Timeline of grooming

Grooming is a process, not a one-time event. It’s done over many weeks, months, or years, and typically extends to the teen’s family and community.

Those who seek to harm use grooming to create their “ideal conditions” for perpetrating sexual abuse, including building trust with anyone who might interfere with their intended crimes.

6 stages of grooming

1) Identifying a target

Those who seek to harm often look for possible ‘candidates’ and select them based on ease of access to them or their perceived vulnerability.

Those who are unpopular, have family problems, who spend a lot of time alone or unsupervised, who lack confidence and self-esteem, have physical or intellectual disabilities, or are already abuse survivors, tend to be targeted.

2) Gain access

Separate their target emotionally and physically from their guardians. They may lure them with what looks like friendship, affection, or even romantic love.

This stage may be easier for those targeting teens as they are more independent and can go places with significantly less parental oversight.

3) Establish trust

Accomplished by befriending the teen, learning about their interests, being helpful, showering them with gifts and attention, or sharing secrets.

Those who seek to harm may get to know friends and family – presenting themselves as charming. This way the teen may be met with disbelief or derision if they express their concerns.

4) Desensitization

This is often the final state before physical/sexual abuse. It can include excessive or unnecessary touching; disregarding privacy; making sexual jokes; facilitating “accidental” exposures to sexual content. Private communication like texting or DMs can facilitate this.

5) The end goal: abuse

At this stage, the physical or sexual abuse itself begins. This can cause overwhelming confusion for the teen. Sometimes they may persuade themselves that the abuse is entirely normal, even desirable for the “benefits” it brings, with the price only apparent later.

6) Maintaining control

Those who have harmed often play on the guilt and shame experienced by the teen. Because they were groomed, children and teens often feel that they were in some way responsible for the abuse. THEY ARE NOT.

What to do if you see grooming behavior

Keep a record of grooming behaviors with dates, names, and clear descriptions.

Report—Don’t Investigate. Do not directly confront a suspected abuser if you feel unsafe.

Get support from organizations like RAINN.org.

While grooming itself may not rise to the level of criminality, if an adult’s behavior strikes you as overly familiar, inappropriately intimate, or unreasonably involved with
a child, teen, or at-risk adult, TRUST YOUR INTUITION.

Damage from grooming

Grooming behaviors may not appear harmful from the outside. The damage which is very real and often lasting is caused through:

– Long-term manipulation

– Eventual sexual abuse or assault

– The teen’s realization that they were exploited by someone they trusted.

Education & awareness are the keys

There are AMAZING dedicated educators and adult mentors of all genders that are equally horrified by child and teen predation. It takes awareness and accountability at all levels of our communities. Please reach out for further support.

^{Sources:
– RAINN Foundation
– Skills for Health, UK
– Psychology Today
– Winters, G. M., & Jeglic, E. L. (2016)}

October 28, 2025