Who’s Messing the Nest? A Trying Time Before Our Teens Leave Home

TL;DR… Parent stress is a real factor in our teen’s stress. Read more for what to do 🙂

Much of the conversation about “messing the nest” centers on a child’s developmental work to individuate and leave home; that these young adults have an instinct to make their home life less comfortable (arguing, irritability, pushback) to make moving out easier. This makes a lot of sense! They are facing a huge and often frightening step. But I think this phenomenon is missing a vital component: the role of parental stress.

The first time I heard the phrase “messing the nest” it was the more colorful version. One of my closest friends had her first child a few years before I had mine. As her daughter’s high school graduation approached, she shared, “This is such a hard time. She’s sh*tting the nest, picking fights with us, not listening, and is constantly annoyed!” My dear friend was at her wit’s end, wanting to share sentimental, loving moments before her daughter left for college, but was confronted with the opposite. She was understandably heartbroken and confused.

Parents are going through their own developmental changes.

Parents are going through their own developmental changes. This can bring a feeling of deep uncertainty. Our relationship to our child is changing, we now have an adult child. Our role in their life, and in the world at large, has seismically shifted. Who will we be when we one day have an empty nest? What will that feel like? These are huge identity questions. To put the icing on top, the timing of perimenopause often overlaps perfectly with this phase for those of use with uteruses, which adds a whole rollercoaster of it’s own.

There also are the unspoken thoughts of how our kids’ choices reflect on us, and questioning if we made the right parenting choices along way. And, conversely, an opportunity to let it sink in that you’ve raised a human to adulthood, such a wondrous thing, really.

Now that I am in the midst of launching my own first kid, I am experiencing firsthand this pinnacle-like moment in parenthood with all its intensity. I’ve been feeling a whole spectrum of emotions this past year (excitement, fear, pride, frustration, anger, envy, hope, impatience, grief) while I watch the steady ticking down of my time with him under the same roof. From infancy, I could control many aspects of my son’s life (food, clothes, schedule, name). It’s now imperative I let him take the reins and to experience more “learning moments” along the way. 

The anxiety I am currently carrying is uncomfortable. I know his to-do list by heart; I recite it silently to myself whenever he’s nearby. I also know my son feels my anxiety, and I’m betting he doesn’t need nor want any additional stress in his life (who does?). This feels like a monumental balancing act as a parent: helping him complete his senior year and transition to independent living in one safe, healthy piece.

I am witnessing in real time my anxiety affecting the experience of my high school senior. We exist in a system, connected with each other, my husband, our younger son, our cats, grandparents, extended family, and larger systems of neighbors, school, the economy, local and world politics, social injustice, health, weather, and on and on. These larger systems often add to our anxiety, profiting from our fears by selling us solutions that guarantee a better life.

Thinking in a “systems” way helps me remember what is happening within me influences everyone around me. What if, while our kids are feeling out their independence, it is also true that the “messing the nest” behaviors we see are influenced equally, if not more, by parental stress? Then what do we do? Well, the good news is, this means we have influence in improving the situation.

Let’s take care of ourselves as parents and as a community so we can be a soft landing place when our kids need support.

When we look at what we are bringing into a system, we can find ways to create the change we hope for (you know, be the change!). It’s true that we cannot change others, only ourselves, but systems theory teaches us that any change we make will interrupt the familiar patterns. 

Here are some tips to consider:

Recognize what’s happening for you

Pause and think about the many ups and downs you have experienced during this process. What emotions can you name? What memories are bubbling up? These are all valid, and simply by identifying them, you lessen their intensity.

Own your feelings

Acknowledge your feelings to those around you. Share them with your graduating kid, your partner, maybe also your other children. Consider being curious and open to the ways your emotions may be impacting them (this is challenging, take lots of deep breaths and breaks). This is excellent modeling!

Practice compassion

You are all on a bumpy path. Give yourself compassion for the work you have put into raising this young adult, and extend compassion to them as they find their feet in adulthood. Be sure to celebrate what is going well, and savor any moments of connection.

Focus on the relationship

You cannot take these next steps for them, but by prioritizing the relationship with your kid, they will see you as a resource, not an adversary. There will be hard times; let’s take care of ourselves as parents and as a community so we can be a soft landing place when our kids need support.

_{Paulette Denman is a couple and family therapist associate practicing in-person on Mercer Island and virtually throughout Washington state. She is the mom of two teen boys, married to an indie game developer, and a former graphic designer. Learn more at magpie-therapy.com}