Who’s Messing the Nest? A Trying Time Before Our Teens Leave Home

TL;DR… Parent stress is a real factor in our teen’s stress. Read more for what to do 🙂

The first time I heard the phrase “messing the nest” it was a more colorful version. The daughter of one of my closest friends is a few years older than my eldest kid. As her daughter’s high school graduation approached, she shared, “This is such a hard time. She’s sh*tting the nest, picking fights with us, not listening, and is constantly annoyed!” My dear friend was at her wit’s end, wanting to share sentimental, loving moments before her daughter left for college, but was confronted with the opposite. She was understandably heartbroken and confused.

Much of the conversation about “messing the nest” centers on a child’s developmental work to individuate and leave home; that these young adults have an instinct to make their home life less comfortable (arguing, irritability, pushback) to make moving out and into adulthood easier. This makes a lot of sense! They are facing a huge and often frightening step, a moment they have been thinking about for years. But I think this phenomenon is missing a vital component: the role of parental stress.

Parents are going through their own developmental changes.

Our kids becoming adults means as parents we are navigating our own developmental changes. This can bring feelings of uncertainty and anxiety. Our relationship to our child is changing: they are now an adult. Our role in their life, and in the world at large, has seismically shifted. Who will we be when we one day have an empty nest? What will that feel like? These are huge identity questions. To put the icing on top, the timing of perimenopause often overlaps perfectly with this phase for those of us with uteruses, which adds a whole physical and emotional rollercoaster of its own.

There also are the often unspoken thoughts of how our kids’ choices reflect on us, and questioning if we made the right parenting choices along the way. Conversely, it can be an opportunity to let it sink in that you’ve raised a human to adulthood, which is such a wondrous thing, really.

It is important to know our worry makes sense. This is a time in life with real stakes, and the anxiety we feel as parents is often rooted in concerning trends. Recent data highlights the gravity of teen mental health: roughly 20% of teens report severe anxiety within any given two-week period, and about 18% have experienced at least one Major Depressive Episode in the past year. Suicide also remains a significant risk for many, particularly within the LGBTQ+ community. By lending our teens any calmness we can develop, we make it easier for them to approach us with their struggles and find additional support.

Now that I am in the midst of launching my own first kid, I am experiencing firsthand this pinnacle-like moment in parenthood with all its intensity. I’ve been feeling a whole spectrum of emotions this past year (excitement, fear, pride, frustration, anger, envy, hope, impatience, grief) while I watch the steady ticking-down of my time with our firstborn under our roof. From before his infancy, I could control many aspects of my son’s life (food, clothes, schedule, name). It’s now imperative I let him take the reins and experience more “learning moments” along the way. 

The anxiety I am currently carrying is uncomfortable. I know his to-do list by heart; I recite it silently to myself whenever he’s nearby. I also know my son feels my tension, and I’m betting he doesn’t need nor want any additional stress in his life (who does?). It feels like a monumental balancing act as a parent: helping him complete the hundreds of tasks of his senior year and transition to independent living, emerging in one safe, healthy piece.

As parents, we are a massive part of our teen’s immediate environment. I am witnessing in real time how my own emotions and behaviors affect my high school senior. We exist in a system, connected with each other: my husband, our younger son, our cats, grandparents, extended family, and larger systems of neighbors, school, the economy, local and world politics, social injustice, weather, and on and on. These larger systems can often add to our anxiety. Finding strategies to comfort ourselves and one another is imperative. 

Thinking in a “systems” way helps me remember that what is happening within me influences everyone around me. What if, while our kids are feeling out their independence, it is also true that the “messing the nest” behaviors we see are influenced also by parental stress? Then what do we do? Well, the good news is, this means we have influence in improving the situation.

Let’s take care of ourselves as parents and as a community so we can be a soft landing place when our kids need support.

When we look at what we are bringing into a system, we can find ways to create the change we hope for (you know, be the change!). It’s true that we cannot change others, only ourselves. Systems theory teaches us that any change we make will interrupt the familiar patterns. If you want more calm, practice creating it within yourself. 

Here are some tips to consider:

Recognize what’s happening for you

Pause and think about the many ups and downs you have experienced during this process. What emotions can you name? What memories are bubbling up? These are all valid, and by simply identifying them, you lessen their intensity.

Own your feelings

Acknowledge your feelings with the people around you. Consider sharing them with a friend, your partner, graduating senior, and other children. Try to stay curious about how your emotions might be impacting them, even if that means taking a few deep breaths if things get heavy. Take comfort in knowing that this is excellent modeling.

Practice compassion

You are all on a bumpy path. Give yourself compassion for the work you have put into raising this young adult, and extend compassion to them as they find their feet in adulthood. Be sure to celebrate what is going well, and savor any moments of connection.

Focus on the relationship

You cannot take these next steps for them, but by prioritizing the relationship with your kid, they will see you as a resource, not an adversary. There will be hard times; let’s take care of ourselves as parents and as a community so we can be a soft landing place when our kids need support.

If you or your teen need additional support, please reach out to me through my contact form, dial 988 for emergency support, or text HOME to 741741. More resources are available here.

_{Paulette Denman is a couple and family therapist associate practicing in-person on Mercer Island and virtually throughout Washington state. She is the mom of two teen boys, married to an indie game developer, and a former graphic designer. Learn more at magpie-therapy.com}